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EXCERPT FROM "DEARLY BELOVED"
EXT. STREET - LATE DAY
SEAN is busy moonlighting with the company hearse. In the back are two rows of lingerie swinging from racks on wheels that slide from side to side as he corners. He pulls up in a crowded Surry Hills street.
SEAN
(to himself)
Now to see to Mr MaClay himself...
DISSOLVE TO:
SEAN is returning to the hearse with the late departed seated in a wheel chair. When he gets to the hearse it is obvious they only place to put the departed is in the passenger side. He starts the procedure.
DISSOLVE TO:
He’s almost got it right. Only the legs of the deceased are still outside the hearse. An in-line skater stops to assist. A young girl in a tweeny pair of shorts and little else.
GIRL
Do you need any help...?
SEAN
Thanks, it’s me da...S’been a bit poorly...
She goes to help but keeps sliding from under the she’s trying to lift.
GIRL
You sure he’s all right? Seems very cold to me...and a bit whiffy...!
SEAN completes the move in and closes the passenger door.
SEAN
Needs a bath. He’ll be fine. He’s on his way somewhere noice and cosy right now...
INT. HEARSE - LATE DAY
MR McCLAY is in the passenger seat, strapped in and silent. Rounding a corner MR McCLAY’s right hand flops across and into SEAN’s lap. SEAN takes his eyes off the road to look at it and has to brake suddenly for a red light.
At the lights a MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN peers into the hearse and shakes her head at its cargo and occupants. SEAN maintains a banter with his passenger. The woman sees the hand in SEAN’s lap. SEAN removes it under her gaze.
SEAN
(to the deceased)
No...you can’t! Should have gone before we left. Ma’ll be at the hospital. No, we can’t stop at William St for a quick one! You should be ashamed of yourself... a man of your age!
As the WOMAN crosses the lights, she does a “Humph” and shakes her head. Directly ahead, in the one-way street, a GUINNESS sign announces the presence of a bar. SEAN glances across at his passenger.
SEAN (cont)
Fancy a pint Mr McClay? Ah, the dark, swirling genius of it! The creamy head! The sheer smoothness of Mother’s Milk and that’s the truth.
EXT. STREET - LATE DAY
SEAN has got out of the vehicle, locked his door and arrived with the wheel chair at the passenger side.
SEAN (cont)
Of course you’re coming...can’t have you scaring innocent people all alone out here...now can we..?
INT. BAR - LATE DAY
Wearing a pair of sunglasses Mr McClay is wheeled into the bar and positioned at the end of a table. SEAN arrives at the bar.
SEAN
(trying hard to be a stranger)
Two pints of your wonderful Guinness if you please sir. Immortal nectar of the Gods...to be sure...
BARMAN
(pointing to a wall-mounted video camera)
What about this security system of yours Sean? It cost me over $250 and the monitor shows nothing but the BBC World Service, and the alarm refuses to sound...!
SEAN pretends to listen carefully to what McCLAY might be saying.
SEAN
To be sure...to be sure...we’ll order the next two pints as we get the first!
As it takes so long to pull...
The BARMAN hearing this, takes another two pint glasses from the rack and puts by.
BARMAN
It’s been two months now, Sean! Yesterday I turned it on and instead of showing the cellar, I had two naked women doing strange things on a four-poster bed!
The first pint is ready! SEAN takes a sip off the top.
BARMAN (cont)
You assured me that security system was the very latest in sophisticated equipment...!
SEAN
So it tis...so it tis. “X”-rated movies eh? Told you it was a top system. And dat’s why the delay. Finding someone who’s up on it is a real headache...
BARMAN
So what are we meant to do in the meantime...? Trust in the Lord himself? I’m sure the next thing will be the carol concert from Cambridge or the Queen’s speech...
SEAN
I’m working on it...! I’m working on it! But right now, me mate and I require the calming influence of a Guinness...
EXT. STEET - LATE DAY
A police motorcycle with blue and red flashing lights pulls in front of the hearse parked beside a Clearway sign. The police cyclist reaches for his radio.
INT. PUBLIC BAR - LATE DAY
SEAN switches the Guinness glasses in front of him, and takes a healthy suck from the fourth pint. MR McCLAY is sagging a little. Across the table from them are two youngsters sucking face. The BARMAN places two new pints on the bar and catches SEAN’s eye. SEAN rises to collect them.
SEAN
It’s a lovely drop tonight, and that’s for sure. And you’d better give me a bucket of iced water to cool them buggers down...they’ll be on fire soon...
BARMAN
Sean! About the security system...?
SEAN
What about it now...?
BARMAN
It’s been two months now, and nothing works...
SEAN
These things take a while to tune in...
BARMAN
You said you’d have it up and running in a couple of days...
SEAN
...and so I did! But the fine tuning takes a while longer...
BARMAN
It’s only a couple of metal boxes, some wire and a monitor...what’s to tune...?
SEAN
Now that’s why you get to run a pub and I get to install security systems...
The BARMAN looks over toward McClay.
BARMAN
Is your mate all right? He looks done in...he’s probably had enough!
SEAN
Nah...just getting started! He’s foine...
BARMAN
Well, see there’s no trouble, or I’ll throw you both out...
SEAN
Trust me! He won’t move a muscle and he’ll be dead quiet...it’s them two lovebirds you should be watching...
The BARMAN glances at the youngsters and shrugs.
BARMAN
You’re only young once...
SEAN
No, you’re not! Being young was never like that for me...
A client, squeezing past MR McCLAY bumps him and dislodges the dark glasses. His eyes seem to stare straight ahead at the two young things, who have paused for some liquid sustenance and to replenish oxygen. Behind them, in the street, visible through the window, the hearse is being towed away by an RTA tow truck. The young man, BURT, is disturbed by MR McCLAY’s penetrating gaze which seems to be directed toward the girlfriend’s boobs.
BURT
S’matter mate...?
No reaction.
BURT (cont)
Waddya staring at...? F’ng creep...!
The YOUNG GIRL is busy repositioning her boobs inside her almost-blouse and pulling modestly at the hem of her pelmet.
MAVIS
Ignore him Burt...he’s just a silly old fart...!
BURT is getting angry, thinking McCLAY is perving.
BURT
I said, what’s the f’ing matter! What are you looking at Mavis’s puppies for...?
MR McCLAY doesn’t move or respond. This gets to BURT who leans across the table and smacks MR McCLAY a cracking blow to the face. MR McCLAY’s head rolls sideways onto his right shoulder, then slowly, as though in a dream, he slides out of his wheelchair and onto the vomit-patterned carpet, dragging down some plastic ivy which becomes a wreath around his head.
INT. PUBLIC BAR - LATE DAY
MR McLAY is still on the floor with MAVIS trying to find a pulse. She can’t. She decides to prepare to panic and barks at BURT.
MAVIS
My God...you’ve killed him...!
SEAN sips from one of the pints.
SEAN
He’ll be foine...
MAVIS is now very worried. She has tried for a pulse on the neck and still found nothing.
MAVIS
I tell you, he’s dead! I did a first aid course! I know a dead old fart when I see one...
SEAN
He’s often like this when he’s had a skinful...
MAVIS shakes her head and returns to her boyfriend who continues to look at the prone body as in a daze.
MAVIS
(to boyfriend)
You’ve killed him, you silly burke!
SEAN, sensing a business opportunity pretends to take MR McCLAY’s pulse. BURT is panicking and wimpering.
BURT
He wouldn’t stop staring. It was only a little biff...
SEAN
Chroist! You’re right, he’s gone...!
SEAN looks round to see if anyone else has noticed. He becomes conspiratorial to BURT and MAVIS.
SEAN (cont)
He’s dead all right! Blimey! Look, I’ll deal with it. I’ll make sure he’s put somewhere secure. Leave it to me! I’ll organise a decent funeral for the man...
BURT and MAVIS are now his confidants but still very worried, especially BURT.
SEAN (cont)
...oh, do you have any cash?
MAVIS nudges BURT who finds his wallet and hands it to MAVIS. She empties it to SEAN.
SEAN (cont)
‘Tanks...that’ll help...I’ll take care of everything. Now git! But act normal...
SEAN pockets the cash. MAVIS helps him get McCLAY back into the wheelchair before leaving, behaving excessively normal. Customers check for their wallets. SEAN replaces MR McCLAY’s sunglasses and then notices that the youngsters have left their drinks.
SEAN (cont)
(to himself)
I’ll look suspicious if I leave them behind...
He down the scotch and the gin before the young couple have reached the door.
EXT. STREET - EARLY EVENING
SEAN emerges from the pub pushing MR McCLAY. It is raining steadily. He looks at the empty spot where he’s parked the hearse.
SEAN
Bloody Hell! They’ve nicked me underwear...!
SEAN peers up and down the street from the edge of the gutter that is swirling like the mighty muddy Limpopo. A cab screams by and a tidal wave collects them both. SEAN shrugs and starts walking.
The rain and the splash have soaked into MR McCLAY’s best tweed suit and cloth cap. SEAN feels the extra weight. SEAN weighs up his options.
SEAN (cont)
I think we’ll head up to Central, Mr McClay...at least we’ll be out of the rain there, which I notice you’ve been collecting and holding to yourself...
A COUPLE hurry past in the driven rain SEAN and MR McCLAY almost colliding with them. The MAN pulling his companion out the way in time.
MAN
Bloody drunks...!
SEAN
Only one of us is slightly drunk sir! And our present condition is largely due to someone stealing me knickers...!
The MAN’S COMPANION does an “Oh Goodness” and they hurry off.
SEAN (cont)
(to himself)
Who’d want to steal a hearse full of knickers anyway...
For more information and further examples of Peter's work, contact him here.
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